My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
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May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”