My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
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If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
This is Sparta
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.