“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
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Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
A couple who are silly together stay together.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
never deleting this app.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.