Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
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[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Stick it to the man
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world