I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
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Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Hello, my name is Pierre.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.