*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
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the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired