[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
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At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Cheer up.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Word.
~ Microsoft.