SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
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so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
🍛
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.