Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
You Might Also Like
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
LMAO
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.