I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
You Might Also Like
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Simple
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra