If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
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If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Kentucky names the shit out of places
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor