Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
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Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.