[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
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A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.