Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
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[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.