It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
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Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.