My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
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I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…