“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
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You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
stop
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?