*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
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Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Body by Oreos
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house