front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
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you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.