I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
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For anyone who needs this today
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”