Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
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Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
ibopfufen
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.