r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
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My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
All set.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
reminder
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
2022: I can fix it
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I could NOT have put it better myself.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.