“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
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How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I know
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?