My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
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Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Mad Max Arctic Road
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
“I wouldn’t.”
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed