Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
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My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this