I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
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Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
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I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
The news
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”