If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
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*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…