I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
You Might Also Like
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Education is vital
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.