[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
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The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Sounds like a bargain
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac