Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
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FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on