Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
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A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Spring of Deception
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said