Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
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The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
accurate
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in