When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
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*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside