Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
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Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Terribly Tuesday.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.