If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
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Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣