Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
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Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Yes, but it was never about money
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
The second world war should have been called world war returns
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss