[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
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I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Very problematic
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.