*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
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[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
😂😂
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me