I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
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My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz