One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
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I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.