Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
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excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Any refunds available?…
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?