angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
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Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.