Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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Storm Tropical Storm
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
A comma is just a period with a mullet.