HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
You Might Also Like
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*