The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
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Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.