No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
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me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
me linking you to my twitter
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.