This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
You Might Also Like
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Rambo Rambow
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.