[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
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Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
#dnd #ttrpg
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc