accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
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Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
No, YOUR illiterate.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?