Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
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A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
For those that worship cheese..
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug